Unkown Blogger Pursues a Deranged Quest for Normalcy

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Lonely As A Cloud

Posted by ubpdqn on April 16, 2013

clouds

I remain internally uncertain and despondent with respect to the resolution of my current state…despite the reassurance and confidence of others, even if the internal state can be improved the externalities remain as toxic and dysfunctional as ever.  I am grateful for the attention of my significant other (MSO) and the insights provided.

MSO expressed that a significant component of my internal conflict relates to my perception that I am “brighter” (whatever that means) than some of my colleagues yet they seem to go from success to success…in short envy/jealousy. There is a truth to this pettiness.  It is, however, a part of the perception. Perhaps more intense than this envy is a sense of failure. My core has been dedicated to hard work, honesty and accountability. I believe that I have been consistent  in this regard and perhaps even others would agree. I have nothing more to give and my hope that this would be the foundation of a life of value (if not success) seems a fragile illusion.

As I wait for some favourable change in my internal neurochemical millieu, my numbness has been penetrated by the beauty of  clouds. The sky is a canvass, the water vapor the paint and the complex interaction of air  pressure, temperature and wind create this wondrous evanescent complex structures. The timescale of persistence of fragile structures never ceases to amaze me. The regularity, quaisperiodicity and interfacial effects speak to the underlying rules of the dynamical processes. These “endless forms” are sometimes enhanced by the glorious sunrise or sunsets…and everyday the canvass is repainted.

The small insect on my windscreen shows a persistence in its purpose despite the wind…fascinating to watch its progress millimetre by millimetre…the strength and fragility of life gave me pause for reflection.

Peace to all who suffer including those suffering in Boston subject to violence as well as to those who suffer from such trauma all too frequently but without the interest or scrutiny of the media.

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