Unkown Blogger Pursues a Deranged Quest for Normalcy

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Posted by ubpdqn on November 16, 2015

I have failed in a quest for freedom from both the black dog and the chemical designed to keep it at bay. The personal toll is nothing new or even alarming but the toll on the amazing and strong people who I love and (for reasons I am grateful for) have loved me.

The world is a complex place and agony and ecstasy frequently co-exist and perhaps with the exception of the “unreasonable effectiveness of Mathematics explaining the natural world”, human behaviours remain sources of misery and joy to me, currently in unequal measure and beyond my comprehension and capacity to deal with.

I have had a simple approach to the “world”. I have tried to be open but from within an extremely shy or socially inept vantage point. I have learned, to some degree of sophistication, to be an effective, clear and consistent communicator (as it is necessary for my job) but this has not protected me from being harmed by inconsistency, irresponsibility, at times frank dishonesty (all assessed from my internal simplistic frame of reference).

The perfect misery has overwhelmed my capacity to deal with it and though an old enemy I contemplate why continue to fight and continue the harm on my loved ones. This is clearly the black dog barking but clothed in a rationalization.

I know I have tried my best. I know the world is not fair, or just and that in real terms I have many “first world” issues and not am suffering as many many people from starvation, natural disaster, terrorist attacks or even more common struggles of everyday life.

I pray for those souls suffering from demons within or circumstances without and those remarkable heroes who stand by their loved ones. I pray for the souls of those suffering after the Parisian attacks including my daughter and her partner.

I pray for some relief one way or another to give my long suffering loved ones some joy.

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